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    How to Not Argue Back

    February 16, 2020

    Baseball.  You’re probably wondering what catching a baseball has to do with relationships. In this case, it has everything to do with how you and your partner interact. Let’s say that you’re sitting in your living room watching your favorite TV show.  It’s almost over and you’re about to find out what happens to the […]

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    How to Not Argue Back

    Baseball.  You’re probably wondering what catching a baseball has to do with relationships. In this case, it has everything to do with how you and your partner interact.

    Let’s say that you’re sitting in your living room watching your favorite TV show.  It’s almost over and you’re about to find out what happens to the main character.  Your partner walks in and wants to talk with you about what’s for dinner.  At first you ignore him.  But he won’t take the hint and keeps asking you and when you don’t respond he starts complaining about how he’s had a hard day at work and the least you could do since you’re home all day is have dinner ready for him when he comes home.  What do you do?

    This is where catching the baseball has everything to do with your relationship.

    Imagine the baseball is a metaphor for your partner’s tone and words.  He’s literally throwing them at you.  Not to you.  At you.  There’s a difference right?  He’s not in an intention to learn about when dinner will be ready.  He’s not wanting to learn what he could do on his own to make his own dinner or get a snack to hold him over until you’re done with your show.  He’s not wanting to find out when your show is over so that he can decide what to do until then. Instead he’s coming at you with everything he’s got.  So now you have choices.

    First, I want you to picture what you typically do.  Do you turn the TV louder so you drown his voice out?  Or do you start in with him telling him he just ruined your TV moment and what’s his problem?  Either of these options is probably not going to sit very well with him and then he’s going to toss ‘the ball’ right back at you probably even harder.  Then you’ll probably give him some of his own medicine and before you know it the two of you aren’t talking for the rest of the night.  All of this from playing a game of catch.  And it never ends well as usually both of you end up feeling hurt.

    I want you to remember that it takes two to play catch right?  One throws the ball and then the other one catches it.  Then you throw it back and your partner catches it.  Then he throws it back and you catch it.  When both of you react to each other in angry, defensive, shaming or critical ways, playing this kind of catch can be destructive to your relationship. So is there another option?  Yes and this is what it looks like.

    Don’t pick up the ball when your partner throws it to you.  Tell yourself your partner’s thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with you.  Don’t take his behavior personally.  Then don’t catch the ball and if it lands anywhere near you don’t pick it up and throw it back to your partner.  Game over.  It’s that simple. And when you don’t play the game you don’t fuel an argument.  There’s no such thing as a game of catch for one unless you’re throwing the ball against the wall.  And that’s okay too as long as you’re not there.  It never feels loving to our self and it’s definitely not loving and in the highest good of your relationship to allow yourself to be around negative energy.

    So, the next time your partner tries to get you to play right into his argument hands, don’t catch the ball.  Set a loving boundary with your partner letting your partner know that you’re not willing to engage with him unless he’s open to learning with a loving intention.

    Yes, you might have to leave the room and miss the ending of your favorite TV show.  Or you might have to go alone to an event you were planning on going to with your partner.  You might even end up sleeping in the spare bedroom or staying at a hotel for the night.

    When you set a loving boundary, you’re taking loving care not only of yourself but also of your relationship. And you’re doing what’s loving for your partner even if your partner doesn’t agree with it.  And when you take loving care of yourself, you give your partner the opportunity to make a different choice.

    You never know.  Maybe next time, instead of trying to get you to play catch with him, your partner may surprise you and sit beside you on the couch helping you figure out who done it!

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Roommates No More

    February 15, 2020

    Does it feel like it’s been so long since you and your partner have been intimate?  I’m not just talking about physically.  What about those moments when you both felt connected emotionally?  Do you remember when you were willing to risk being vulnerable because you trusted each other?  Now that seems like a lifetime ago. […]

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    Roommates No More

    Does it feel like it’s been so long since you and your partner have been intimate?  I’m not just talking about physically.  What about those moments when you both felt connected emotionally?  Do you remember when you were willing to risk being vulnerable because you trusted each other?  Now that seems like a lifetime ago.

    Maybe you and your partner neglected your relationship because you focused all your energy on raising your children.   If they’re still young then you always have a reason why you’re so tired and stressed and have no time for the two of you because they need all your attention.  However, if your children are grown up and out of your home, you can’t even use taking care of your kids as a distraction any more.

    Maybe earlier in your relationship your partner broke your trust and even though your partner has expressed remorse you still haven’t let go of what happened.

    Maybe you let life get in the way and didn’t make the effort to build your relationship around life rather than allowing life to be in control of your choices.

    Regardless of what happened or what didn’t happen, now when you look at each other, it feels like you don’t even know each other.  There’s little meaningful conversation because you’ve forgotten how to talk to each other.  In many ways you’re leading separate lives and the only time you spend next to each other is when you’re lying in the same bed.  And that’s not even satisfying  because you don’t even go to sleep at the same time.

    You want to feel the love again.  Even though you feel numb there’s still a part of you that holds onto the hope that you can relight the fire you once had.  You just don’t know how to start over again and you wonder if it’s too late to even try.

    My experience is that if you had that connection once you can have it again.  However if you want to bring the passion back in your relationship you need to first reconnect to your own feelings.

    You might want to notice your good reasons for shutting down.  Maybe you’re holding onto resentments and hurt and you’re blaming your partner for not initiating the closeness that you’ve been wanting.  You’ve probably also been taking your partner’s behavior personally.  By withdrawing you found a way to avoid feeling the loneliness from not being able to share love with your partner, the helplessness over your partner’s behavior and the heartbreak of the loss of your connection.

    Once you set your intention to be willing to feel the difficult feelings of loneliness, helplessness and heartbreak then you don’t have to shut down anymore.  Once you’re able to manage these core feelings then you can start opening up the conversation with your partner.  Yes it will initially probably feel awkward.  Yes there will be tears.  Yes there will be differences in opinions about what happened.  However you can learn how to communicate with each other in a healthier way.  You can learn how to hear each other’s perspective without reacting.  You can learn how to validate your partner so that you truly understand where your partner’s coming from.  And you can feel empathy for what your partner has been experiencing.

    Once you both take personal responsibility for each of your roles in the disconnection and are open to learning about your partner’s thoughts and feelings then reconnection is possible.  And where there is reconnection there is the opportunity for intimacy.  And where there is intimacy there is joy.  And joy is where you want your relationship to be.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Helping Your Partner Hear Your Love

    February 14, 2020

    Do you ever wonder why your partner doesn’t hear the love message that you’re sending?  You’re thinking about, feeling, saying and showing your love for her yet she doesn’t feel cared for.  You end up feeling frustrated and unappreciated for all your efforts and good intentions.  You ask yourself, “What’s the use of being loving?  […]

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    Helping Your Partner Hear Your Love

    Do you ever wonder why your partner doesn’t hear the love message that you’re sending?  You’re thinking about, feeling, saying and showing your love for her yet she doesn’t feel cared for.  You end up feeling frustrated and unappreciated for all your efforts and good intentions.  You ask yourself, “What’s the use of being loving?  Nothing I do is ever good enough and it’s never enough!”

    All you want is what’s happening in the picture:  When you say love your partner hears love.  No distortion,  no misinterpretation, No nothing!  Sounds so simple and yet it isn’t always so easy.  So even though your intention is to be loving, why isn’t it coming through loud and clear to your partner?

    We all have different images in our heads and hearts of what it looks like and sounds like to be loved.  It’s like you both had gone to the movie theater because you wanted to have a date night.  And when you get there you end up watching different movies.  Afterwards you try talking to your partner about what you saw and she doesn’t know what you’re talking about because she didn’t see the same movie that you saw.  You also weren’t there to put your arm around her and you definitely didn’t share any popcorn together!  So what does it take for her to have an experience of you being there for her and relating to what you’re saying?

    First you need to consciously choose to be in an intention to learn with your partner.  You need to truly want to know what you can do or say that makes her feel cared for.  What’s her definition of love?  What makes her heart sing?  What makes her feel desired?  What has she always imagined an intimate relationship would look like?

    You can also notice how she shows her love for you.  Does she bring you flowers and leave you sweet notes under your pillow and in your daily calendar?  Does she always ask you about and then remembers both the big and the little moments in your life?  Is she always happy to see you even if she’s struggling herself?  And maybe she never forgets to kiss you good morning and good night and sends you texts throughout the day letting you know she’s thinking about you.

    Picking up on all these clues is the simple part.  Now comes the not so easy part: Giving your partner what you know she wants in the way that she can hear it even if it’s not the same way that you would want it given to you.  For you getting tickets to a sporting event or a pair of airpods would make you feel cared for. Neither of these would rock her world.

    This is about making it more important to be loving than it is to be right. This is about learning how to communicate your love in a way that your partner can hear.  Yes you might have to stretch out of your comfort zone.  And if you choose to take this risk, you’re more likely to experience your partner appreciating you more and feeling more connected to you.  And when this happens, you’re more likely to want to continue giving your partner what makes her feel loved and cared for in the way that she can hear it.

    And when that happens, Love is a beautiful sound that both partners can hear and share with each other.

     

     

     

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Making Your Partner Your Priority

    February 12, 2020

    Yes it is important! If it’s important to your partner than it should be important to you. That is if you want a close, connected, intimate relationship. If you don’t then…well…stay behind the curtain! That is as long as you’re willing to have an unhappy partner, an unhappy situation and an unhappy relationship. I know […]

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    Making Your Partner Your Priority

    Yes it is important! If it’s important to your partner than it should be important to you. That is if you want a close, connected, intimate relationship. If you don’t then…well…stay behind the curtain! That is as long as you’re willing to have an unhappy partner, an unhappy situation and an unhappy relationship. I know what you’re thinking, But I’m not interested at all about what my partner is wanting to talk to me about.  I get it. Trust me. What our partners is saying isn’t always something that we know anything about, would want to know anything about if we weren’t in the relationship and probably have about ten other things on our mind that we’re thinking about not to mention what we happen to be doing in that exact moment when our partner wants to talk to us.
     
    So maybe you might want to look at this from a different perspective. One where even though the details of what your partner is wanting to talk about isn’t important to you, your partner is important to you. If we have an agreement on this then you might want to consider adopting the belief, Whatever is important to my partner is important to me even if what they’re wanting to talk about isn’t important to me.
     
    So I’m guessing right now you’re probably saying to yourself something like this is just a matter of semantics and besides, how does that make any difference in my relationship. From my experience it makes all the difference.
     
    When you show up for each other without hesitation you’ll both feel more valued. You’ll both feel that your partner cares about you. You’ll both feel like you’re your partner’s priority. And you’ll both feel more emotionally connected and when couples feel more emotionally connected then that typically leads to being more physically connected. Add in some spiritual connection and you’re good to go!
     
    We’re all important. Not because of what we do, how much we have, who we’re with or what we’re talking about. We’re important because we just are. We’re born that way and there’s nothing we can do about it. Plain and simple. So when you’re partner needs to talk to you, or needs you to behave in a certain way because it’s important to them, they’re not asking you to define them. What they’re wanting and what you can choose to let them know is that you see them. You’re letting them know that you know where they’re coming from and you understand what this means to them.
     
    So the next time your partner wants to tell you about or asks you for something that is important to them, you might want to remember what’s truly important to you. And if what’s truly important to you is your partner and your relationship, then you might want to consider in that moment (or let them know when you’re able to) what would it take for you to show them this. And then take that loving action(s). And then you won’t have to ‘assume’ that what your partner wants is important because you’ll know and you’ll always let them know that if it’s important to your partner then it’s always important to you.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    How to Stop Bringing Up Past Issues and Move On

    February 11, 2020

    I’m sure you can think of at least one thing that happened earlier in your relationship that your partner can’t let go of. To you it probably feels like you’ve already talked about it enough times, resolved it and there’s no point in continuing to discuss it any more. And yet your partner keeps coming […]

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    How to Stop Bringing Up Past Issues and Move On

    I’m sure you can think of at least one thing that happened earlier in your relationship that your partner can’t let go of. To you it probably feels like you’ve already talked about it enough times, resolved it and there’s no point in continuing to discuss it any more. And yet your partner keeps coming back to it wanting to tell you how she feels about what happened. And now you’re starting to get annoyed which turns to aggravation which results in getting defensive, shutting down or criticizing your partner. Inside you’re screaming, “Get over it!” Needless to say, none of these strategies have been effective and you don’t know what else to do.
     
    I see this dynamic very often with the couples I work with. Couples typically don’t come in with issues they’ve never talked about or haven’t attempted to try to talk about. I often hear from one or both of the partners, “What’s the point of talking about something we’ve already argued about. Nothing is going to change.”
     
    I agree with them. Well, kind of agree with them. They’re right that nothing is going to change if they talk about the issue in the same way they have tried to talk about it in the past. And at the same time there is a way for everything to change if they talk about the problem in a healthier way. So what does that look like?
     
    Often all that one partner needs is to be heard, validated and empathized with. They’re not looking for an answer or for anything to be fixed. He/she is needing to feel validated for their experience so they know they aren’t crazy for thinking and feeling the way they do. They don’t want a suggestion, they don’t want to problem solved and often they don’t even won’t their partner’s opinion. And the reason they keep bringing up the same past issue over and over again is that they’ve never felt that their partner truly understands what they went through and maybe are still going through.
     
    Once he/she fully expresses their thoughts and feelings and experiences their partner fully getting them and what they went through, how it made them feel, how it affected them, and what they wish would happen differently next time, then there’s usually nothing else left to say. And once their partner fully listens, understands, knows what they were feeling and is aware of what he/she would like to change going forward, then both have had a complete conversation about the issue.
     
    And unless there is any new information that needs to be brought up, there usually isn’t a reason to talk about the same issue again. And if one partner is having difficulty letting go their side of the issue, then it may be helpful for them to explore what’s the benefit for them of holding on to the issue rather than putting their energy into building their relationship.
     
    Both partners need to be committed to learning and practicing talking in a more loving way where both feel respected and that their feelings and thoughts are important. When this happens, connection happens. And when partners are more connected, they look forward to talking about anything and everything that is of concern to either partner. And when that happens, issues get resolved more quickly and couples are able to focus on what’s really important in their relationship: creating and sharing a joyful life together.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Loving Like The Day You Both Met

    February 10, 2020

    Wasn’t it so much easier when you were first together? Loving each other was all there was. At least that’s how it felt right? Now there are so many other things and there’s always more things to have to think about! And time passes by and the more time that goes by the farther you […]

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    Loving Like The Day You Both Met

    Wasn’t it so much easier when you were first together? Loving each other was all there was. At least that’s how it felt right? Now there are so many other things and there’s always more things to have to think about! And time passes by and the more time that goes by the farther you tend to get away from the heart of your relationship. So how do you find that heart to heart place with your partner again?

    By remembering what you liked, loved and lived for with each other when you heart first told you he/she’s the one. What kinds of things did you do together? How did you spend time together when you weren’t doing anything. How did you show your love? What were the different ways you made each other feel cared for and desired? What were the thoughtful touches you gave to one another?

    Love is simple. We tend to make it so much more complicated than it is. Love started for both of you with a heart to heart kiss and you can both get back to this.

    If you need help in knowing how to do this, you can both make a list of what your partner did when you were first together that made you feel cared for. Maybe it was holding hands, kissing him/her for no reason, telling your partner how beautiful she/he was or asking about their dreams and helping make them happen.

    You can learn to look past the years that may have gotten in the way of the two of you staying deeply connected and once again see that precious smile, those soft eyes, and the tender and silly love that you promised to yourself and to your partner that you’d never take for granted. When you do this you’ll know how to love each other every day just like every was the first day you started loving him/her.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Being Happy in Your Relationship

    February 9, 2020

      Most couples agree with me that they’d rather be happy than unhappy. That’s an easy question. Then I ask them are they happy in their relationship. That’s another easy question. Now come the more challenging question, “How do you make your partner responsible for your happiness?”   The answers I hear all include the […]

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    Being Happy in Your Relationship

     
    Most couples agree with me that they’d rather be happy than unhappy. That’s an easy question. Then I ask them are they happy in their relationship. That’s another easy question. Now come the more challenging question, “How do you make your partner responsible for your happiness?”
     
    The answers I hear all include the word ‘get’. “I need to get my partner to be more thoughtful.” “I need to get my partner to listen to what I’m saying more often.” “I need to get my partner to stop getting defensive when I try to share my feelings.” There’s a common theme here right? Each partner is trying to change the other so that they give them the gift of happiness. Until then they’re not going to be happy in their relationship.
     
    What if there was another way to feel happy in your relationship? What if both partners took personal responsibility for making themselves happy? What if instead of looking to your partner to make you happy, you found your own happiness on your own and brought that into the relationship. Then instead of relying on your partner and your relationship to make you happy, you would make yourself happy and then share your happiness with your partner? What do you think about that?
     
    My experience is that when each partner does this their relationship is more joyful. The sharing of happiness replaces the arguing and controlling behaviors whose purpose is to get the other person to make you ultimately feel happy. When you’re happy you’re more accepting of your partner and when their behavior is unacceptable then you speak your truth and set a loving boundary. And you’re still happy.
     
    You’re happiness is your right. You’re happiness is what you want. Your happiness is your responsibility. You don’t need your partner’s permission or participation in your relationship to allow you to feel happy.
     
    So if you’re happy and you know it…Dance! And then bring your dance into your relationship. You may be surprised to find out you have the dance partner you’ve been looking for! And if you don’t, you’ll still have your dance!

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Stronger Together

    February 8, 2020

    Can you think of a particular situation where you don’t feel supported by your partner? It might be related to how you’re raising your children or how your partner’s family treats you. Whatever the situation, you end up feeling like you either have to stand up to the person all alone or you have to always […]

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    Stronger Together

    Can you think of a particular situation where you don’t feel supported by your partner? It might be related to how you’re raising your children or how your partner’s family treats you. Whatever the situation, you end up feeling like you either have to stand up to the person all alone or you have to always be the ‘strict’ parent even though the situation involves and affects both you and your partner. And when this happens, you probably end up feeling tired and resentful of always being the only one to address the issue.

    And when you try explaining to your partner why this is so upsetting to you, he/she says to you, “I understand why you feel like this. I really do.”

    And nothing changes.

    I repeat, nothing changes.

    Why is that? Your partner said he/she understands so why doesn’t anything change?

    From my experience when someone says, “I understand”, they may intellectually hear what you say and it sounds logical to them. However they don’t really understand emotionally what you’re telling them. And I rarely see someone change their behavior without really getting viscerally how their not being there for you so deeply affects you.

    In order for your partner get you on a deeper level they have to be willing to feel their feelings. They have to be able to manage these feelings. They have to be willing to understand your perspective even if they don’t agree with you. They have to get out of their head and into their heart.

    And if they don’t know exactly what you need them to do or how to be with you, they need to be open to learning and ask you. And then you can tell them exactly what you need verbally, emotionally and physically. And then you need to let go of the outcome. When you do this you give your partner the opportunity to make a different choice. To understand you on a deeper level so that he/she can whole heartedly support you in whatever situation you’re facing. And when you do this you’ll feel stronger because you’re stronger together. And not only will you feel your partner has your back, but they’re also by your side.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

    February 7, 2020

      Two words…sounds like ‘personal responsibility’. Not only sounds like but is personal responsibility. Now I know these are big words and I know this is a big responsibility and I also know that these two words will bring the two of you closer two-gether!   So what is this big idea ‘personal responsibility’? Let […]

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    How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

     
    Two words…sounds like ‘personal responsibility’. Not only sounds like but is personal responsibility. Now I know these are big words and I know this is a big responsibility and I also know that these two words will bring the two of you closer two-gether!
     
    So what is this big idea ‘personal responsibility’? Let me start off by telling you what it’s not.
     
    It’s not making your partner responsible for your feelings. in other words your partner can’t ‘make’ you angry (unless of course they’re actually being abusive to you in some way). They can’t ‘make’ you jealous, resentful, depressed, anxious. They don’t have any control over how you feel or think unless you give in to their controlling behavior. We all have free will and we get to choose how we think, feel (with a few exceptions) and behave.
     
    We can influence our partner. The more controlling we are the more we’ll probably push our partner away. The more loving we are the more likely they are to feel more connected and want to be closer to us. However how our partner chooses to respond is ultimately still up to them.
     
    Now let me describe what personal responsibility is. It’s knowing that even though you have no control over people, places and things, you do have control over your own thoughts, feelings and behavior. It’s acknowledging that typically your thoughts and behavior cause your feelings so if you are feeling a difficult feeling you can shift out of it and into a more peaceful feeling by noticing and changing what you’re telling yourself about the situation. And for those feelings that you’re not causing like grief when someone you care about passes, or loneliness when you want to share love with your partner and he/she isn’t available or helplessness over your partner’s choices, you can manage these feelings and stay in control of them so that they don’t overwhelm you and cause you to react.
     
    Once you make the decision to take personal responsibility your relationship changes. Taking personal responsibility gives you and your partner the opportunity to take ownership of your role in all of your interactions. And when you both do that there is no more blaming, nor more shaming and no more gaming.
     
    So instead of hearing your partner telling you that’s it’s your fault he/she’s angry wouldn’t you feel more connected if you heard them say, “I feel angry and I’d like to learn what I’m telling myself, what I’m doing or what I’m allowing that is making me so angry?”
     
    This isn’t a fantasy. When you take personal responsibility this all becomes reality. And in this reality both you and your partner will share your happiness with each other rather than playing the blame game.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Emotionally Supporting Your Partner

    February 6, 2020

    Can you think of a time in your relationship when you needed your partner to be there for you and they weren’t? Maybe you were having a medical test and you were scared about what it might show. Maybe you were ill and you still felt you had to do the childcare even though you […]

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    Emotionally Supporting Your Partner

    Can you think of a time in your relationship when you needed your partner to be there for you and they weren’t? Maybe you were having a medical test and you were scared about what it might show. Maybe you were ill and you still felt you had to do the childcare even though you could barely drag yourself out of bed. Maybe you were grieving the loss of a dear friend and needed a shoulder to cry on.  Whatever the situation, you felt you had to do it alone.
     
    And at the same time you wondered where was your other half? After all you both promised to be a team and support each other. You didn’t know at the time that you each had a different definition of ‘support’.
     
    What I find often with couples is that one partner is more open hearted and the other partner is more in their head. One partner values feelings and the other partner is a problem solver. One partner experiences life and the other partner talks around life. One partner takes into consideration how their behavior may affect their partner and the other partner doesn’t think it’s necessary to involve their partner in every decision they make. Do any of these differences sound familiar? If they do I imagine when they remain unresolved they prevent both partners from feeling emotionally supported, cared for and valued. The good news is there is a way through this.
     
    Both partners need to be open to learning. Both partners have to decide that it’s more important to be loving than it is to be right. Both partners have to see each other as an opportunity to learn and grow. Both partners have to be willing to give their partner what their partner is asking for even if it feels uncomfortable.
     
    If you’re the one who is always in your head trying to problem solve, you need to be willing to start empathizing more with your partner so that you sense the depth of his/her feelings. The more you’re moved by your partner’s emotional experience, the more likely you are to be there for him/her when your partner needs you. And instead of trying to figure out what to do about your partner’s difficult situation, you’ll intuitively know how to be there energetically for him/her.
     
    Being emotionally present and supportive for each other is our natural state of being. And when we let all our fears get in the way we forget that comforting is healing.
     
    And sometimes there’s nothing we need to do and there’s everything we need to be. Such as allowing our loving core self, our essence, our inner child, to lay next to our partner.
     
    And then you’ll find that sometimes just being there is enough.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

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