Imagine you and your partner have been disconnected for a while now.  You finally came to a place of understanding of what you need to do to make your relationship better.  So, for the past week you’ve been focusing on being more attentive, listening to her when she talks to you, doing your best to understand her point of view and remembering to call her once a day so that she feels you really do think of her sometimes.  Maybe you’re even starting to initiate conversations and date nights.  You feel good about the renewed effort you’re putting into making your relationship better.  So tonight, when you come home after a long day of work, you’re looking forward to some quiet time and hopefully your partner’s appreciation for everything you’ve been doing better this week.  However, before you can even get your coat off, your partner tells you she’s feeling frustrated with and hurt by you because you didn’t do the one thing she’s been reminding you all week to follow up on.

And now just because she’s expressing her upset feelings, you wonder what was the point of doing all those positive behaviors over the past week.  At this moment it feels to you that none of them had any impact on her and no matter how much you do, it will never be good enough for your partner.  There’s always going to be something else that you didn’t do right and that’s going to negate everything good that you’ve been doing.  This is the story you tell yourself.  However, nothing could be further from the truth.

Your self-worth is never defined by someone else’s behavior, loving or unloving.  You get to choose what to base your worth on.  And it’s never a good idea to base it on someone else or something externally.  You might want to consider defining your own worth internally like on how good a heart you have.

When you shut down and judge yourself, you slam the door on your relationship.  Being open to learning why your partner is being triggered allows you to move into compassion for your partner.  When you truly want to learn if there’s any truth in what she’s saying then you move into compassion for yourself.  When you open to learning you open up the door on your relationship creating the opportunity to communicate in a more loving way so that the two of you can resolve the issue.

When you’re not triggered by your partner’s behavior, you’ll know when she’s taking personal responsibility for her feelings and when she is blaming her feelings on you.  If she’s taking personal responsibility, then she’s sharing her feelings in order to learn from them.  She’s wanting to learn what she’s telling herself, doing or allowing that making her feel frustrated and hurt.  She wants to make sure she’s telling herself the truth rather than misinterpreting the situation.  Then she’ll identify and take the loving actions that make her feel higher self-worth and strengthen your relationship.

If your partner is in her wounded self and tells you that all the progress you’ve made doesn’t mean anything, then she’s giving you valuable information that she’s closed.  If your partner is sharing her feelings to either punish you or try to control you then she is also letting you know that she is closed.  And when your partner is closed to learning the only healthy choice you can make is to disengage with love until she’s open to learning about her behavior and the circumstances of what happened.  And you let her know that you are willing to come back when she is willing to take personal responsibility for her behavior and is open to learning about the good reasons for your behavior.

And whether you stay because your partner is open to learning or you walk away because your partner is closed, you’re still good enough.  You have been and will always be good enough even if you don’t do things perfectly.  And when you know you’re good enough then you give your partner the opportunity to also learn that she’s good enough too.  And when that happens, your relationship will be good enough too.

Baseball.  You’re probably wondering what catching a baseball has to do with relationships. In this case, it has everything to do with how you and your partner interact.

Let’s say that you’re sitting in your living room watching your favorite TV show.  It’s almost over and you’re about to find out what happens to the main character.  Your partner walks in and wants to talk with you about what’s for dinner.  At first you ignore him.  But he won’t take the hint and keeps asking you and when you don’t respond he starts complaining about how he’s had a hard day at work and the least you could do since you’re home all day is have dinner ready for him when he comes home.  What do you do?

This is where catching the baseball has everything to do with your relationship.

Imagine the baseball is a metaphor for your partner’s tone and words.  He’s literally throwing them at you.  Not to you.  At you.  There’s a difference right?  He’s not in an intention to learn about when dinner will be ready.  He’s not wanting to learn what he could do on his own to make his own dinner or get a snack to hold him over until you’re done with your show.  He’s not wanting to find out when your show is over so that he can decide what to do until then. Instead he’s coming at you with everything he’s got.  So now you have choices.

First, I want you to picture what you typically do.  Do you turn the TV louder so you drown his voice out?  Or do you start in with him telling him he just ruined your TV moment and what’s his problem?  Either of these options is probably not going to sit very well with him and then he’s going to toss ‘the ball’ right back at you probably even harder.  Then you’ll probably give him some of his own medicine and before you know it the two of you aren’t talking for the rest of the night.  All of this from playing a game of catch.  And it never ends well as usually both of you end up feeling hurt.

I want you to remember that it takes two to play catch right?  One throws the ball and then the other one catches it.  Then you throw it back and your partner catches it.  Then he throws it back and you catch it.  When both of you react to each other in angry, defensive, shaming or critical ways, playing this kind of catch can be destructive to your relationship. So is there another option?  Yes and this is what it looks like.

Don’t pick up the ball when your partner throws it to you.  Tell yourself your partner’s thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with you.  Don’t take his behavior personally.  Then don’t catch the ball and if it lands anywhere near you don’t pick it up and throw it back to your partner.  Game over.  It’s that simple. And when you don’t play the game you don’t fuel an argument.  There’s no such thing as a game of catch for one unless you’re throwing the ball against the wall.  And that’s okay too as long as you’re not there.  It never feels loving to our self and it’s definitely not loving and in the highest good of your relationship to allow yourself to be around negative energy.

So, the next time your partner tries to get you to play right into his argument hands, don’t catch the ball.  Set a loving boundary with your partner letting your partner know that you’re not willing to engage with him unless he’s open to learning with a loving intention.

Yes, you might have to leave the room and miss the ending of your favorite TV show.  Or you might have to go alone to an event you were planning on going to with your partner.  You might even end up sleeping in the spare bedroom or staying at a hotel for the night.

When you set a loving boundary, you’re taking loving care not only of yourself but also of your relationship. And you’re doing what’s loving for your partner even if your partner doesn’t agree with it.  And when you take loving care of yourself, you give your partner the opportunity to make a different choice.

You never know.  Maybe next time, instead of trying to get you to play catch with him, your partner may surprise you and sit beside you on the couch helping you figure out who done it!

Does it feel like it’s been so long since you and your partner have been intimate?  I’m not just talking about physically.  What about those moments when you both felt connected emotionally?  Do you remember when you were willing to risk being vulnerable because you trusted each other?  Now that seems like a lifetime ago.

Maybe you and your partner neglected your relationship because you focused all your energy on raising your children.   If they’re still young then you always have a reason why you’re so tired and stressed and have no time for the two of you because they need all your attention.  However, if your children are grown up and out of your home, you can’t even use taking care of your kids as a distraction any more.

Maybe earlier in your relationship your partner broke your trust and even though your partner has expressed remorse you still haven’t let go of what happened.

Maybe you let life get in the way and didn’t make the effort to build your relationship around life rather than allowing life to be in control of your choices.

Regardless of what happened or what didn’t happen, now when you look at each other, it feels like you don’t even know each other.  There’s little meaningful conversation because you’ve forgotten how to talk to each other.  In many ways you’re leading separate lives and the only time you spend next to each other is when you’re lying in the same bed.  And that’s not even satisfying  because you don’t even go to sleep at the same time.

You want to feel the love again.  Even though you feel numb there’s still a part of you that holds onto the hope that you can relight the fire you once had.  You just don’t know how to start over again and you wonder if it’s too late to even try.

My experience is that if you had that connection once you can have it again.  However if you want to bring the passion back in your relationship you need to first reconnect to your own feelings.

You might want to notice your good reasons for shutting down.  Maybe you’re holding onto resentments and hurt and you’re blaming your partner for not initiating the closeness that you’ve been wanting.  You’ve probably also been taking your partner’s behavior personally.  By withdrawing you found a way to avoid feeling the loneliness from not being able to share love with your partner, the helplessness over your partner’s behavior and the heartbreak of the loss of your connection.

Once you set your intention to be willing to feel the difficult feelings of loneliness, helplessness and heartbreak then you don’t have to shut down anymore.  Once you’re able to manage these core feelings then you can start opening up the conversation with your partner.  Yes it will initially probably feel awkward.  Yes there will be tears.  Yes there will be differences in opinions about what happened.  However you can learn how to communicate with each other in a healthier way.  You can learn how to hear each other’s perspective without reacting.  You can learn how to validate your partner so that you truly understand where your partner’s coming from.  And you can feel empathy for what your partner has been experiencing.

Once you both take personal responsibility for each of your roles in the disconnection and are open to learning about your partner’s thoughts and feelings then reconnection is possible.  And where there is reconnection there is the opportunity for intimacy.  And where there is intimacy there is joy.  And joy is where you want your relationship to be.

Do you ever wonder why your partner doesn’t hear the love message that you’re sending?  You’re thinking about, feeling, saying and showing your love for her yet she doesn’t feel cared for.  You end up feeling frustrated and unappreciated for all your efforts and good intentions.  You ask yourself, “What’s the use of being loving?  Nothing I do is ever good enough and it’s never enough!”

All you want is what’s happening in the picture:  When you say love your partner hears love.  No distortion,  no misinterpretation, No nothing!  Sounds so simple and yet it isn’t always so easy.  So even though your intention is to be loving, why isn’t it coming through loud and clear to your partner?

We all have different images in our heads and hearts of what it looks like and sounds like to be loved.  It’s like you both had gone to the movie theater because you wanted to have a date night.  And when you get there you end up watching different movies.  Afterwards you try talking to your partner about what you saw and she doesn’t know what you’re talking about because she didn’t see the same movie that you saw.  You also weren’t there to put your arm around her and you definitely didn’t share any popcorn together!  So what does it take for her to have an experience of you being there for her and relating to what you’re saying?

First you need to consciously choose to be in an intention to learn with your partner.  You need to truly want to know what you can do or say that makes her feel cared for.  What’s her definition of love?  What makes her heart sing?  What makes her feel desired?  What has she always imagined an intimate relationship would look like?

You can also notice how she shows her love for you.  Does she bring you flowers and leave you sweet notes under your pillow and in your daily calendar?  Does she always ask you about and then remembers both the big and the little moments in your life?  Is she always happy to see you even if she’s struggling herself?  And maybe she never forgets to kiss you good morning and good night and sends you texts throughout the day letting you know she’s thinking about you.

Picking up on all these clues is the simple part.  Now comes the not so easy part: Giving your partner what you know she wants in the way that she can hear it even if it’s not the same way that you would want it given to you.  For you getting tickets to a sporting event or a pair of airpods would make you feel cared for. Neither of these would rock her world.

This is about making it more important to be loving than it is to be right. This is about learning how to communicate your love in a way that your partner can hear.  Yes you might have to stretch out of your comfort zone.  And if you choose to take this risk, you’re more likely to experience your partner appreciating you more and feeling more connected to you.  And when this happens, you’re more likely to want to continue giving your partner what makes her feel loved and cared for in the way that she can hear it.

And when that happens, Love is a beautiful sound that both partners can hear and share with each other.

Wasn’t it so much easier when you were first together? Loving each other was all there was. At least that’s how it felt right? Now there are so many other things and there’s always more things to have to think about! And time passes by and the more time that goes by the farther you tend to get away from the heart of your relationship. So how do you find that heart to heart place with your partner again?

Can you think of a particular situation where you don’t feel supported by your partner? It might be related to how you’re raising your children or how your partner’s family treats you. Whatever the situation, you end up feeling like you either have to stand up to the person all alone or you have to always be the ‘strict’ parent even though the situation involves and affects both you and your partner. And when this happens, you probably end up feeling tired and resentful of always being the only one to address the issue.

And when you try explaining to your partner why this is so upsetting to you, he/she says to you, “I understand why you feel like this. I really do.”

And nothing changes.

I repeat, nothing changes.

Why is that? Your partner said he/she understands so why doesn’t anything change?

From my experience when someone says, “I understand”, they may intellectually hear what you say and it sounds logical to them. However they don’t really understand emotionally what you’re telling them. And I rarely see someone change their behavior without really getting viscerally how their not being there for you so deeply affects you.

In order for your partner get you on a deeper level they have to be willing to feel their feelings. They have to be able to manage these feelings. They have to be willing to understand your perspective even if they don’t agree with you. They have to get out of their head and into their heart.

And if they don’t know exactly what you need them to do or how to be with you, they need to be open to learning and ask you. And then you can tell them exactly what you need verbally, emotionally and physically. And then you need to let go of the outcome. When you do this you give your partner the opportunity to make a different choice. To understand you on a deeper level so that he/she can whole heartedly support you in whatever situation you’re facing. And when you do this you’ll feel stronger because you’re stronger together. And not only will you feel your partner has your back, but they’re also by your side.