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    347 Lincoln Avenue East | Cranford, NJ 07016
    michael@michaelbarmak.com | (908) 276-8191

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    Making Understanding More Important than Being Right

    February 5, 2020

    Did you ever have the experience of talking to your partner, spilling your heart out about something that is truly important to you and then the words that come out of your partner’s mouth have nothing to do with what you just revealed? What’s that all about???   Often partners aren’t hearing what their significant […]

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    Making Understanding More Important than Being Right

    Did you ever have the experience of talking to your partner, spilling your heart out about something that is truly important to you and then the words that come out of your partner’s mouth have nothing to do with what you just revealed? What’s that all about???
     
    Often partners aren’t hearing what their significant other is sharing and instead are just waiting for them to finish talking so that they can say what they want to say. When this happens to you I imagine you feel discounted, disrespected and uncared for. None of these feelings make you want to put your arms around your partner and continue sharing your personal secrets with them right?
     
    So I’m sure right now you’re relating to the picture above thinking you have to somehow get your partner to look at you when you’re talking and that will get him/her to finally pay attention to what you’re sharing. Well…not exactly.
     
    It’s not about eye contact. It’s about heart to heart contact. It’s about having your partner move down into their feelings and share with you what they know about you that makes you think, act, speak and feel the way you do. They validate you. This is about your partner telling you why it makes sense that you just shared what you shared. Even if they don’t agree with you. Hopefully going forward they will take into consideration what you just shared and make choices that support and express their love for you.
     
    When you and you’re partner make understanding each other more important than being right, you’ll both feel more connected and cared for. And rather than looking at each other, both of you will be opening up your hearts to each other.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    When Your Partner Isn’t Initiating

    February 4, 2020

    When I work with couples I often hear from one of the partners what the other isn’t doing. They’re not initiating date night, conversation or having sex. When this happens, the partner who is the one doing all of the initiating ends up feeling resentful. And they’re definitely not feeling accepted, supported, loved and encouraged. […]

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    When Your Partner Isn’t Initiating

    When I work with couples I often hear from one of the partners what the other isn’t doing. They’re not initiating date night, conversation or having sex. When this happens, the partner who is the one doing all of the initiating ends up feeling resentful. And they’re definitely not feeling accepted, supported, loved and encouraged. So what’s a partner to do?
     
    One thing I have found that doesn’t work is to try to control your partner into giving you what you want. Some partners will blame, criticize, argue, shame and even punish their significant other hoping to get them to change. My experience is that this rarely works and if your partner gives in to what you’re wanting it’s usually short-lived, not authentic and often leads to him/her feeling angry at being coerced into having to give themselves up in the relationship. It doesn’t feel safe anymore.
     
    We truly only have control over one person: ourself. When we take personal responsibility for taking care of ourself in the face of our partner not being there for us in the ways we want them to be, we open up the possibility of having what we desire. When our partner doesn’t feel our controlling energy it gives them the space and freedom to make their own choices. They feel safer in the relationship.
     
    If you’re wanting to feel accepted, supported, loved and encouraged, check in with yourself and notice if you are accepting, supporting, loving and encouraging your partner. Be the person you want them to be and let go of having any attachment to the outcome.
     
    Does this guarantee your partner will reciprocate your caring attitude and behavior? No. We don’t have control over their thoughts, feelings, actions. They are also responsible for their own choices.
     
    How they respond to you taking loving care of yourself in your relationship is information. Your responsibility is to show up for yourself and pay close attention to the information and then decide in the face of your partner’s response, what is best for you.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Being a Loving Role Model for Your Children

    February 3, 2020

    Children are constantly taking in information and storing it in their hearts and minds. Think of your child like they’re a video camera capturing everything they see and hear and experience from you. They save all of this in their hearts and minds and then in many ways think and act based on everything they’ve […]

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    Being a Loving Role Model for Your Children

    Children are constantly taking in information and storing it in their hearts and minds. Think of your child like they’re a video camera capturing everything they see and hear and experience from you. They save all of this in their hearts and minds and then in many ways think and act based on everything they’ve learned from you.
     
    So how do we as parents influence our children? By how we treat them, how we treat ourselves and how we treat each other.
     
    Do we praise our children for their effort rather than on their results? Do we mirror to our children their uniqueness and specialness? Do we help them know the truth about their essence which is loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, playful, creative and giving?  Are we fair and considerate of their feelings?  Do we try to understand them and empathize with what their feeling?  Do we give them the space to learn on their own while at the same time helping guide them and letting them know that we’re always by their side if they need to lean on us?  
     
    Do we show our children what it looks like to take loving care of ourselves? Do we get enough sleep, eat healthy, keep our bodies in good shape? Do we set loving boundaries with people who are not supporting our highest good? Are we compassionate with ourselves when we make an error? Are we open to learning so that we can learn life’s lessons? Do we take loving actions that make us feel higher self-worth. Do we speak our truth and stand up for ourselves in ways that take into consideration how others feel? Do we follow our heart where ever it leads us?
     
    Do we accept our partner without trying to control and change them? When our partner needs to talk to us do we stop whatever we’re doing and give them our full attention? If something is important to your partner is it also important to you? Do we respect our partner, support them, believe in them and encourage them to find what brings them joy and then do more of it? Do we share our happiness and excitement and passion with each other? Do we show and act on our love for them in many different ways. Do we honor their spirit and offer our hand when they need to be helped up from hard times.
     
    We all want our children to be all they can be. Even though we can’t control this happening, we can strongly influence their choices in the world. Recognizing the major ways that we influence our children can help us make conscious healthy choices about how we treat them, how we treat ourselves and how we treat our partner.
     
    Our children deserve our best because they are our best!

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    What Helps Make Couples Therapy Successful

    February 2, 2020

    Is this you? “Yeah, I’ll start next week…” Or, “I’ll do it next month, that’ll be a new start!” I hate to break it to you, consistency is necessary for almost every change you make. In almost every part of your life: your body, business, relationships & emotional health. What I’ve notice in my practice […]

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    What Helps Make Couples Therapy Successful

    Is this you? “Yeah, I’ll start next week…” Or, “I’ll do it next month, that’ll be a new start!”

    I hate to break it to you, consistency is necessary for almost every change you make. In almost every part of your life: your body, business, relationships & emotional health.

    What I’ve notice in my practice is that there are basically two ways couples approach marriage counseling. Some couples practice the skills I teach them in between sessions. Other couples expect to reach their goals just because they meet with me weekly or biweekly. My experience is that the couples who take the time to reflect on their learnings, try out new behaviors and integrate different ways of communicating every day move towards their goals. This is called personal responsibility. The couples who leave our session and don’t continue consistently practicing what they’ve learned, go right back into their old negative patterns of blaming their partner, trying to be right and other controlling behaviors.

    If you find you and/or your partner aren’t making the changes for yourselves and with your relationship that you say you want, I can help you learn how you’re getting in your own way, how to become more motivated and consistent and how to support each other in reaching your relationship vision.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Creating Intimacy

    February 2, 2020

    Are you experiencing a lack of intimacy in your relationship? Emotional, physical or both? Here are some of the reasons why this happens and how you both can start to reconnect.   The word intimacy means “In-to-me-see?” In order to be able to connect in a deeper way with each other, we need to be […]

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    Creating Intimacy

    Are you experiencing a lack of intimacy in your relationship? Emotional, physical or both? Here are some of the reasons why this happens and how you both can start to reconnect.
     
    The word intimacy means “In-to-me-see?” In order to be able to connect in a deeper way with each other, we need to be willing to be seen. To share our truth. Most of us learned at a very young age not to show our feelings. In some way we didn’t feel safe. So for some very good reasons, we became a person who avoided our feelings.
    However now in your adult relationship, you’re still protecting against feeling your feelings even though you’re no longer that young child. Now you’re in a committed relationship where both partners can create inner and outer safety.
     
    Inner safety meaning you reassure yourself that you will always take care of yourself when you feel someone is trying to control you. Outer safety meaning that you and your partner will learn how to communicate in healthier ways so you both support each other’s highest good.
     
    So how do you start creating safety in your relationship so that you both are willing to be seen? By taking loving actions both for yourself and together.
     
    On your own you can learn how to develop a stronger part of you that can manage difficult feelings like loneliness, helplessness and heartbreak. Then you’ll be more willing to be vulnerable with your partner because you know you can handle any of these feelings that may get triggered. This not only allows more emotional intimacy but also opens you up to more physical intimacy.
     
    This path begins with being affectionate. Holding hands, putting your arms around each other, cuddling on the couch together. And at the same time constantly communicating your thoughts and feelings along the way. And addressing any fears that get triggered.  Fears that no longer valid now that you have the ability to take care of and stand up for yourself.  Then progressing to massaging each other and starting to connect in a more physical way.  
     
    All of this without any agenda, expectation or attachment to an outcome. Instead both partners staying in the moment, managing their own feelings, communicating in a healthy and supporting each other.
     
    And most importantly, feeling love.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    How You Talk To Each Other

    February 1, 2020

    In every interaction, there are always two levels of communication going on simultaneously:  What you’re saying and how you’re saying it. How many times do we say things without thinking about how it’s coming across to our partner?  And then we get frustrated because our partner isn’t hearing us. How many times do we resist, […]

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    How You Talk To Each Other

    In every interaction, there are always two levels of communication going on simultaneously:  What you’re saying and how you’re saying it.

    How many times do we say things without thinking about how it’s coming across to our partner?  And then we get frustrated because our partner isn’t hearing us.

    How many times do we resist, get defensive or come right back at our partner when we don’t like their tone?  And then we don’t even listen to the content of what they’re saying.

    I’m sure most of you have been on either or both sides of this kind of interaction.  And you know from past experience that it doesn’t go very well.  It typically leads to arguing, disconnection, hurt feelings and resentment.

    So what’s a couple to do?

    It helps if both partners take personal responsibility for their role in this kind of interaction.

    If you’re the one trying to get your point across, you might want to consciously choose not only what you want to say but the way you want to say it.  One healthy choice is to use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘You’ statements.  So in the picture above, instead of the boy trying to control the girl, he could say, “When you start gardening right before we’re supposed to leave, ‘I’ feel unimportant.”  When you do this, you keep the focus on yourself while still letting your partner know what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling.  Rather then your partner shutting down because of feeling judged, blamed or not good enough, he/she will be better able to listen to you without taking your comments personally.

    If you’re on the receiving end of your partner’s controlling energy, it’s important to remember that your partner’s tone has nothing to do with you.  It’s his/her feeling and you can’t make your partner talk that way to you.  What you do have control over is how you respond.  I know how hard this can be sometimes.  When you get triggered by your partner’s tone It takes a lot of inner strength to not react by getting defensive, withdrawing, or arguing back.  The more you value yourself the better you’ll be able to manage your feelings.  When you know that you didn’t cause, can’t control and can’t change your partner’s behavior, you’ll be able to set loving boundaries with your partner.  In the picture above, this might look like the girl saying, “It doesn’t feel good to be talked to like that, do you want to talk about why you’re so upset?”  When you’re able to respond like this, you’ll find out if your partner is open to sharing what’s going on with him/her or you’ll learn that your partner is closed and you need to disengage with love.

    When you’re both open to learning and willing to take personal responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and behavior, you’ll replace arguing with understanding and empathy.  And when you do this you’ll both feel more connected and cared for in your relationship.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Couples Counseling for One

    January 30, 2020

    Question: If your partner doesn’t want to join you for Couples Counseling, is it still Couples Counseling?   Answer: Yes. I call it Couples Counseling for One!   I often find myself doing Couples Counseling with only one of the partners because the other one doesn’t want to attend. Some of the ‘no show’ partner’s […]

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    Couples Counseling for One

    Question: If your partner doesn’t want to join you for Couples Counseling, is it still Couples Counseling?
     
    Answer: Yes. I call it Couples Counseling for One!
     
    I often find myself doing Couples Counseling with only one of the partners because the other one doesn’t want to attend. Some of the ‘no show’ partner’s reasons are:
    “You’re the one with the problem so fix yourself and we’ll be fine.”
    “I don’t want anyone to know our personal business.”
    “We’ve already tried couples counseling and it doesn’t work.”
    “We should be able to figure this out ourselves.”
    “I don’t believe in counseling.”
    “We’re doing fine. There’s nothing wrong.”
     
    Any of these sound familiar?
     
    I understand it’s not always easy to make choices different than your partner’s. However, when you decide that you deserve to be happy everything changes. When you set your intention to learn how to value yourself more and you start setting loving boundaries, everything changes.
    You not only feel more fulfilled and peaceful, you also give your partner the opportunity to make different choices.
     
    Your partner may stop trying to control you with anger, criticism, giving you the silent treatment or by blaming you when he/she realizes you’re not going to allow yourself to be around any unloving behavior from anyone. And that includes your partner. You may also find that once your partner sees your joy and confidence, he/she may want to feel that way too.
     
    Remember what is truly loving to yourself is always truly loving to your partner. This is true even if your partner doesn’t agree, approve or like how you’re taking care of yourself.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Forgiveness is For You

    January 28, 2020

    “You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.” – Maya Angelou   This quote resonated with me as I also believe that in order to forgive, you need to first love yourself. This […]

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    Forgiveness is For You

    “You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.” – Maya Angelou

     

    This quote resonated with me as I also believe that in order to forgive, you need to first love yourself.

    This means first looking within and identifying if there is any way you might have contributed to the situation and if so, then moving into compassion for yourself and into an intention to learn about your role.  Once you have the courage to do this, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to then move into compassion for your partner.

    If you’re clear that this isn’t about you at all and this is something that was done to you, then you might want to consider how holding onto the anger and resentment and hurt is helpful for you. It isn’t right? So here you are struggling with these difficult feelings yet you’re not willing to let go of them by moving into forgiveness. One reason partners do this because they believe that “If I forgive my partner he/she will think they didn’t do anything wrong”. Another is the belief that if I ‘punish’ my partner, they’ll never do this again.

    Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you. My experience is that when you focus on your partner and what they did or didn’t do then you’re not taking very good care of yourself. Instead of perpetuating your difficult feelings, you can choose to forgive so that you can let go of these feelings and you feel better. Forgiveness is really about freeing yourself up to move on rather than releasing your partner from taking responsibility for their unloving behavior. That’s not something you can or probably want to do.

    My experience is that the more you value yourself the more courageous you’ll be to forgive. And when you’ve set yourself free from those difficult feelings, you’ll know what it looks like to take loving care of yourself in your relationship. You’ll know how best to address what happened in a more loving way that doesn’t include holding onto those painful feelings which are really only hurting yourself.

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Balancing Intimacy and Independence in Relationships

    January 27, 2020

    “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” – Kahlil Gibran   This passage comes from Gibran’s ‘The Prophet’. He writes about one of the major challenges of relationships: The tendency for partners to lose themselves in relationships. I work with many couples who struggle finding […]

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    Balancing Intimacy and Independence in Relationships

    “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
    – Kahlil Gibran

     

    This passage comes from Gibran’s ‘The Prophet’. He writes about one of the major challenges of relationships: The tendency for partners to lose themselves in relationships. I work with many couples who struggle finding this balance of having a ‘We’ and still keeping the ‘you’ and ‘I’.

    One belief I hear over and over again is that partners think they’re being selfish when they take care of themselves. For me that’s a false belief. It’s loving not only to you to do what’s best for you but also it’s loving to your partner even if they don’t agree!  And if your partner is wanting you to give yourself up for him/her, than you might want to consider that they’re the one being selfish.  If you feel you abandon yourself in relationships, you can learn how to value yourself more so that you never ever want to give yourself up again.  You’re worth it!

    Here’s the rest of Gibran’s passage:

    “Love one another but make not a bond of love:
    Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
    Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
    Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
    Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
    Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

    Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
    For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
    And stand together, yet not too near together:
    For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
    And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

     

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

    Time to Change

    January 26, 2020

    I know what you may be saying to yourself, “I don’t have time to change.” And your right. It’s a given that our lives are filled up with responsibilities, obligations, wants and needs right? So how come some people find a way to do all of the above AND still ‘find’ the time to pursue […]

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    Time to Change

    I know what you may be saying to yourself, “I don’t have time to change.” And your right. It’s a given that our lives are filled up with responsibilities, obligations, wants and needs right? So how come some people find a way to do all of the above AND still ‘find’ the time to pursue their passions? We’re not magicians. We can’t ‘make’ more time 24 hours is what we have to work with.  Or is there another way of approaching this?
     
    My experience is that we can ‘create’ more time. That’s right. ‘Create’ more time. How do we do that? By making good choices. By setting our intention to do what’s important rather than what is urgent. By finding ways to ‘free up’ time by integrating certain activities together.
     
    So you’re wondering how does this relate to my relationship? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard couples say, “We want to ‘make’ our relationship work.” What if instead of trying to have control over ‘making’ your relationship work, you focused on ‘creating’ a life together. Co-creating your relationship. Creating a safe space where both of you could share your thoughts and feelings and not fear getting judged, criticized, blamed or told your feelings are ‘wrong.’ Creating a connection that is based on mutual love and understanding. Creating joy from partners who on their own are taking personal responsibility for making themselves happy and then sharing their happiness with each other.
     
    The time is now. If you want the intimate connection with each other than now is the time to learn how to create that. 

    Filed Under: Uncategorized

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    347 Lincoln Avenue East Cranford, NJ 07016

    (908) 276-8191 michael@michaelbarmak.com
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    michael@michaelbarmak.com | (908) 276-8191

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