I want you to imagine that you have a young child that you’re responsible for. One day your child comes to you because he is very upset. What do you do? Do you ignore your child? Do you get angry at your child for interrupting your favorite TV show? Do you tell your child to get over it? Do you tell your child to go find your partner and let her deal with whatever’s going on?
Probably not. If you choose any of these behaviors, your child will probably feel unappreciated, uncared for, not valued and unloved. So, what might you do differently?
As your Higher Self, you might hold your child in your arms comforting him letting him know that he’s safe and cared for by you. You might tell him you’re there for him no matter what he’s upset about and that there’s nothing he could ever do that would make you not love him. As he begins to calm down, you ask him why he’s so upset.
He tells you that there must be something wrong with him. He’s a loser and a failure because he wasn’t invited to one of his classmate’s birthday party. Again, what do you do? Do you tell him he’s right? Do you say that the only way he can be happy and worthy if he’s invited to the birthday party? That he needs someone else’s approval to make him feel good? Do you advise him that he can only feel appreciated, cared for, valued and loved when others behave in a certain way towards him?
Probably not. If you choose to tell your child any of these statements, he’ll believe that his worth and happiness are dependent on how others treat him. So, what might you say differently?
From your Higher Self, you let your child know the truth that no one can give him his happiness, and no one can take his happiness away. He gets to decide what and who makes him worthy. You remind him of his essence which is kind, caring, thoughtful, curious, funny, playful and loving and you help him know he is responsible for his good feelings. When you do this, you help him not take the situation personally.
Yes, he’ll still feel sad that he wasn’t invited to the party, helpless over not being invited and lonely because he couldn’t be part of the celebration with his classmates. You let him know that these are natural feelings based on the situation. You help him release these feelings so he can move on. Then you show him some other things he can do that bring him and express his joy. He can get together with another friend he enjoys spending time with. He can focus on one his hobbies or go with you to his favorite playground because you know how much he loves going on the swings. All of these loving actions let your child know that he is appreciated, cared for, valued and worthy by YOU! He doesn’t need anyone else to validate his worth because you as his Higher Self mirror that for him.
See you already know how to do this with a young child. You know how to show up as your child’s Higher Self and be there unconditionally, mirroring your child’s essence and helping him to not take other’s behavior personally and to identify the loving actions he can take to feel higher self-worth and happy. Now you need to show up for yourself in the same way in your relationship.
Rather than going to your partner when you’re feeling sad, lonely or helpless, you can attend to your own feelings. Imagine your Higher Self holding, comforting the part of you that is having these difficult feelings. With the support of your Higher Self you can feel these hard feelings and then release them. Listen to your Higher Self reminding you that you are kind, caring, thoughtful, curious, funny, playful and loving person no matter what. Then ask your Higher Self what are the loving actions you need to take to make yourself feel appreciated, cared for, valued and loved? Then take those actions.
Feel the happiness that is a direct result of you taking personal responsibility for your own feelings rather than making your partner responsible for your worth and happiness. And when you do this, you can experience the joy that comes from sharing your happiness with your partner.