How many times have you mumbled under your breath, “I don’t like my partner.” Come on. Admit it. We all have at one time or another right? Well if you don’t like your partner then why are you with him? If you truly don’t like who your partner is in his core then you might want to explore why you’re staying with someone you believe has an unloving heart and a hurtful mind. I’m guessing this isn’t what you believe.
You fell in love with your partner because you connected to him on an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level. So how could you possibly even be thinking you’re not with the right person? Let me give you a different way to frame what’s really going on.
It’s not that you don’t like your partner, it’s that you don’t like the part of him that isn’t being loving. You heard me correctly. It’s not who your partner is, it’s a part of him that learned to become who he is when he is unloving. I know this sounds like a lot of mumbo jumbo. Let me unravel it for you.
When we’re born we’re born perfect. Think of infants you’ve been around. There’s nothing inherently wrong with them, right? So, your partner too was born perfect. You’re probably resisting that thought right now and thinking the only thing he’s been doing perfectly is all of his behavior that’s been pissing you off!
So, where is your partner’s perfect child self that I’m talking about? All your perfect child self wants to do is play with your partner’s perfect self just like you did when the two of you first met. Maybe your partner allows his true self to come out once in a while and at other times maybe you’re able to coax out that loving part of your partner. Yet here you are not liking your partner. So, consider this.
When your partner is acting in unloving ways towards himself and you, he’s not in his perfect child self. He’s allowing another part of him, his wounded child part to be in control. This is only a part of him and is not his true core self. It’s a part of him he learned to become in in order to try to get the love he didn’t get in the way he needed to as a child. I haven’t met anyone who was loved in the exact way they needed to be loved by their caretakers. As a result, we all have a wounded child part that tries to control getting love, creating safety and avoiding the painful childhood feelings of loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness. Your challenge is to not buy into the wounded child part of your partner who is acting out in controlling ways that piss you off. Instead you can choose to look into your partner’s heart and see his true core self, his perfect child self.
So, the next time your partner acts out in unloving ways to himself, to you or to others, see if you can envision him as a wounded child still trying to get the love he didn’t get as a child and that he still hasn’t learned how to give himself. Then remember that your partner has good reasons for having created this wounded child self and move into compassion for him. Then look into your partner’s heart and see his true perfect core child self. The part of your partner that you fell in love with and will always love. Then engage this part of him rather than getting distracted by and reacting to the controlling behaviors of his wounded child part.
When you’re able to consciously respond from your perfect child self, you give your partner the opportunity to respond in kind rather than staying stuck in his unloving wounded child part. You might find that instead of mumbling under your breath how much you don’t like your partner, you’ll be spending more of your time liking and sharing your love with your partner.