In my practice, I often hear one partner say they’re tired of hearing their partner say they’re sorry when there’s no remorse and nothing actually changes. Let’s look at a couple I work with and how they shifted their dynamic.
One of the issues Jerry and Cynthia needed help with was Jerry’s angry outbursts. To not react with anger, Jerry would try to disengage from Cynthia as soon as he noticed he was getting frustrated. Cynthia agreed to give him space and wait until they were both in a better place.
During their last session, Jerry shared how the previous night they had started to argue and instead of lashing out, he disengaged and went to their bedroom to calm down. He was following his game plan. Cynthia, however, did not follow hers.
Rather than respect Jerry’s boundary, Cynthia followed him to their bedroom and kept trying to continue their conversation. No matter how many times Jerry requested she give him space, she wouldn’t walk away. It didn’t take long for Jerry to lose control. Their conversation quickly escalated into a huge blowout, and they hadn’t talked to each other since then.
Jerry shared that this isn’t the first time Cynthia hadn’t respected his boundaries. Before he was able to give any more details, Cythnia interrupted him and blurted out she was sorry and promised that she wouldn’t do it again
I asked Jerry if he believed Cynthia would do it differently next time. Jerry said that Cynthia is a serial sorrier and that he didn’t have much hope that she’d change her ways. Jerry wasn’t buying her apology because nothing ever does change. He believed she just wants to smooth things over rather than take responsibility for her behavior.
Cynthia jumped in. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Jerry shrugged and remarked that here she was again, using ‘being sorry’ to avoid taking responsibility.
I asked Cynthia if she was open to trying a different way of apologizing to Jerry that would be more loving to him, herself and their relationship. She said she was willing to do whatever she needed to do to make their relationship better.
First, I told Cynthia what a true apology is not:
I explained that a full apology did not include defending, deflecting, denying or discounting your responsibility and the impact of your behavior on your partner, yourself and your relationship. Saying sorry can be a part of a full apology, however it would need to be accompanied by genuine remorse. Saying sorry just to move on, smooth things over and keep the peace would only be helpful short term.
Then I shared with Cynthia the elements of a full apology and a mnemonic I came up with, REPAIR.
1. Recognize the negative impact of your behavior and how you feel as a result of that behavior.
2. Empathize with your partner, naming not only your partner’s feelings but also identifying the depth of his/her feelings.
3. Personal Responsibility - take ownership of what you did or didn’t do and commit to addressing the situation.
4. Acknowledge your partner’s experience by validating your partner’s good reasons for his/her feelings and behaviors.
5. Identify the loving actions you need to take to make amends.
6. Resolve - Take loving actions both in the moment and for the future. Offer a plan to change your behavior going forward.
Next, I helped Cynthia experience giving Jerry a full apology using my mnemonic, REPAIR, for the way she reacted last night.
“I Recognize that my actions led you to do exactly what you went upstairs to avoid – taking your anger out on me. I also recognize that I harmed our relationship because we now have another experience where we were unloving to each other. I recognize that I’m feeling sadness and guilt. I didn’t control my impulse to talk, even though I had agreed to give you space.”
“I have Empathy for what you are feeling. I heard that you feel disconnected and not valued. I imagine you’re also angry with me for not respecting your boundary.”
“I take Personal Responsibility for my contribution to the conflict by not abiding by my part of our agreement to not pursue you when you walk away.”
“I Acknowledge why you feel hopeless when I just say I’m sorry, because my saying sorry never changes anything. You don’t know if I’m really taking in the consequences of my behavior.”
“I’m Identifying the loving actions I need to take. These include finding ways to manage my impulse better when you walk away from me. It’s a trigger for me. It feels like you’re never going to want to talk about what happened. I need to learn how to self-soothe better so that I can manage the helplessness I feel over not knowing what you’re going to do or not do. When you leave, it triggers some abandonment fears I have, so I go after you because these feelings are difficult to feel.”
“I know I need to Resolve my behavior. I will make an appointment to talk to someone on my own to work through my abandonment fears, so I don’t get triggered every time you walk away from me. I’m also going to start keeping a journal so that every time I feel like pursuing you, I’m going to write down my feelings instead of acting on them.”
When Cynthia had finished going through her REPAIR, I asked her to check in with Jerry to see how he was receiving her apology.
Jerry shared that for the first time he felt understood, and that she seemed truly remorseful. Hearing Cynthia’s plan to take responsibility for her behavior also gave him a sense of emotional safety. He looked at Cynthia and told her that she missed one feeling he is having now, hopeful. Jerry then added that he didn’t want to trigger her abandonment fear, so he made the commitment to reassure her that he wasn’t leaving her.
Then I checked in with Cynthia to see how she felt. Cynthia said she felt better about herself and no longer felt guilty about her unloving behavior. She also felt empowered having specific strategies that she could use. Cythnia said she felt more connected to Jerry and attributed that to being willing to feel her feelings and move into compassion for Jerry.
The next time you feel the need to say you’re sorry, I hope you’ll remember to use REPAIR so that you not only validate your partner’s experience, but you also feel higher self-worth. It will strengthen your connection with your partner and make you feel more hopeful.