Imagine this: You finally understand what you need to do to make your relationship better. So for the past week you’ve been focusing on being more attentive, listening when she talks to you, doing your best to understand her point of view, and remembering to call her every day so that she feels cared for. Maybe you’re even starting to initiate conversations and date nights. You feel good about the renewed effort you’re putting into making your relationship better. 

So tonight, when you come home after a long day of work, you’re looking forward to some quiet time and hopefully her appreciation for everything you’ve done this week. However, before you can even get your coat off, she tells you she’s frustrated because you didn’t do the one thing she’s been reminding you all week to follow up on. And now, because she’s expressing this upset, you wonder: what was the point of taking all those positive actions over the past week? At this moment it feels like none of them had any impact on her and no matter how much you do, it will never be good enough and you’ll never be good enough. 

But nothing could be further from the truth. This is just a story you tell yourself. So what do you do when it feels like you’re just not good enough? Here are some things to remember:

• Don’t base your self-worth on externals. Her feelings have nothing to do with who you are at your core. 

• Don’t negate all the positive you do, or have been doing, even if she doesn’t seem to acknowledge your good in the moment.

• Stay present. Don’t add to or subtract from what she is saying. 

• Don’t judge yourself–you have a good heart and your intentions are true.

• Accept your imperfections and have compassion for yourself. 

• Know that you are good enough although you might not be good enough for her.

When you really believe you’re good enough, that you have always been, and always will be, you’ll be much more able to show up for your relationship in a positive way and the true healing will begin.