Often during a session, a client will have difficulty knowing how to start or continue a conversation with his/her partner. I’ll share with the client a simple way to move the conversation forward: the five W’s and H: Who, What, Where, Why, When and How. In order to use these conversation starters, I help my clients first notice if they’re open or closed to learning.
You’ll know you’re closed when you’re not interested in what your partner is thinking or feeling, or how your behavior impacts your partner. If this is where you’re at, then you can do something to shift into being open like taking a walk, writing in your journal or talking with a friend. When you sense that you’re open, you’re ready to use the five W’s and H.
Questions are helpful for you, your partner, and your relationship. For you, they keep you in the moment. They also help you gain more understanding of your partner so that you can make better choices on how to respond. For your partner, questions can help him/her feel cared for, respected and valued. They give your partner the opportunity to clarify and expand on what they want to communicate. For your relationship, questions create a healthier dynamic by getting both of you on the same page and working together as a team.
Let’s see how several of my clients used the five W’s and H to open up their conversations.
John was triggered when his wife told him that she’s overwhelmed doing all of the childcare. With an exasperated tone, she told John he needed to take a more active role. John became defensive and reminded her of his busy schedule. Some mornings he’d even gone in late, so she’d have a break from getting the kids ready for school. When I asked John if he was open or closed to learning, he acknowledged that he was mostly trying to be right.
I reminded John about the ways he could shift to a more open stance. John took some deep breaths and moved into compassion for his wife. By becoming more present and taking into consideration how his wife was feeling, John became more open. When this happened, John and I came up with some W’s and H he could use to reconnect with his wife so they could start working as a team.
· “When am I not giving you the help you need?”
· “Why do you feel that you have to do all the childcare?”
· “What needs to get done?”
· “Who else can we get to help take on some of the responsibilities?”
· “Where do we need to put more effort in right away?”
· “How can I help you feel less overwhelmed?”
· “When do you need help the most?”
When John shifted into an intention to learn, Susan felt seen and validated. Because John was able to share his efforts without getting defensive, Susan was able to appreciate the efforts John was making. This helped John also feel seen and validated. Together they were then able to divide up the childcare responsibilities in a more balanced way.
In another session, Ken told his girlfriend, Lucy, that he wasn’t feeling connected to her. Lucy was caught off guard by Ken’s comment and wasn’t sure how to respond. I suggested that she use the five W’s and H to gather more information. Here are some of the questions Lucy came up with:
· “When did you start feeling this way?”
· “What happened that led you to feel disconnected?
· “How can I help us get back on track?”
· “Who else can help us address this?”
· “Why do you feel disconnected?”
· “Where are you feeling connected with me?”
By opening to learning, Lucy was able to learn the good reasons Ken was feeling disconnected and together, they were able to address his concerns.
Tim and Wendy had been married for several years and wanted to start a family. During one of their sessions, they came to a stalemate over where to live. Wendy loved being in New York City and Tim felt more comfortable raising his children in a town where there was more green than concrete. I suggested they each use the five W’s and H to open up their conversation. Here are some of the questions they asked each other:
· "What kind of environment do we feel children thrive best in?"
· "When would be the best time to make this decision?"
· "Where could we live that might have the positives of both a big city and a small town?"
· "How much of our own childhood experiences are influencing our choices?"
· Why is it important to talk about this now?"
· "Who do we know that has raised their kids in either environment?"
· "What are the advantages and disadvantages of each option?"
The next time you’re having difficulty either starting or continuing a conversation with your partner, remember two steps. First, on an inner level, make sure you’re open to learning so that you can explore your partner’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Next, on an outer level, use the five W’s and H to move your conversation forward. You’ll find that using the five W’s and a H will not only help you jumpstart talking with your partner but will also deepen your connection.