Remember playing hide-and-seek as a child?  You closed your eyes and counted to 10 while your friends hid.  Then you opened your eyes and yelled out, “Ready or not, here I come!” The game began when you were ready. You didn’t have to check in with the other kids to see if they were ready for you to look for them. 

Now replace playing hide-and-seek with having a conversation with your partner. How often have you started talking with your partner without first checking in to see if she was ready to talk with you? 

If you start talking to your partner without considering her readiness, she’ll probably feel controlled. Instead of opening up a conversation, you’re more likely to start an argument. 

Are you playing hide-and-seek with your partner? If so, here are some steps you can take to change your dynamic.

You

• Make sure you’re ready to have a conversation. You’ll know you’re ready when you’re open to learning and willing to take personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behavior. 
• Identify the topic you want to address.
• Determine your intention in having the conversation.
• Assess if she’s ready. First let her know what the topic is and state your intention. Then ask her if she’s open to talking about it. 
• Let her know if you need to talk with her right away, or you can wait until she’s available. 

Her

• Know what your partner’s topic is, his intention in having the conversation and how soon he wants to talk with you.
• Decide if and when you are willing to have this conversation. If you’re not ready, then give him some times when you’ll be available.  It’s also okay to say that you don’t know when you’ll be ready. In that case, set a deadline on when you’ll get back to him. 

The next time you want to talk to your partner, try replacing the “Ready or not here I come” attitude with, “I'm ready. Are you ready too?” When you’re both ready, willing and able, you’ll have more loving, fulfilling and productive conversations.