During Joe and Rhonda’s couple session, Rhonda raises her concern that she’s always the one planning date night. When she asks Joe if he’s aware of this, he fires back at her saying that he does everything around the house. He reminds her that right now he’s working on their bathroom renovation. He asks her when was the last time she told him how great it’s turning out?
Rhonda throws her hands up in the air, and in a raised voice, tells Joe this is what he does. He gets defensive and flips the conversation onto himself whenever she shares how she’s feeling.
I want to help Joe respond to Rhonda without reacting. If he did this, they could work together to address Rhonda’s concern. That’s when I turn to a strategy I learned coaching my son’s rec elementary basketball team.
Most of the kids would dribble the ball up the court and as soon as they were in shooting range, they’d try to score. And if they didn’t have a good outside shot, they’d drive to the basket and try to score that way. It didn’t matter how many times I pointed to their open teammates and yelled, “Pass!” Every kid wanted to be the one who sank the ball in the basket.
In order to get the kids working together, I had the kids pass the ball at least three times before anyone could take a shot. By doing this, they had to take the focus off themselves, see the open players and give them what they were asking for, i.e., the ball. The same strategy might help Joe give Rhonda what she needed.
Joe’s open to hearing what I’m noticing, and I echo what his wife has been saying. Joe knows it’s not helpful to get defensive, but he doesn’t know how to change his reaction. I suggest that he practice relationship breathing so that he doesn’t get defensive the next time Rhonda shares her feelings.
I demonstrate by putting my hand on my belly, taking a big breath and then pointing out how my belly blows up like a balloon. The benefit of using my hand is that it not only lets me know where to direct my breath but also gives me feedback that I’m doing the exercise correctly. Joe practices slowly taking three belly breaths. After his last one, we discuss that he’s now going to do this in real time with his wife.
Rhonda shares her concern again that she’s the one who’s always planning their date nights. Joe takes his first belly breath.
As he’s doing this, Joe notices what he’s feeling. He describes feeling blamed. After he takes another breath, I have him move his hand to his heart before he exhales. Next, he pictures the part of him feeling blamed as a child and moves into compassion for his child self. For Joe, compassion looks like wrapping his arms around his younger self and telling himself that he didn’t do anything wrong. Joe takes one last belly breath while he comforts and reassures his child self.
Rhonda repeats what she shared earlier. This time, instead of taking Rhonda’s comments personally, Joe stays present with her feelings. Instead of reacting defensively, he responds compassionately. Joe validates why she feels she’s concerned that she’s the only one planning date nights. It makes sense to him because it’s true and she’s probably wondering if this is ever going to change. Then he empathizes with her and imagines she’s feeling confused, hurt and lonely. Joe asks Rhonda how she feels when he listens to her. Rhonda says she’s getting what she needs. She feels validated, seen, and cared for. She also feels more connected to him and hopeful about their relationship.
The more Joe practiced relationship breathing, the easier it was for him to manage his feelings. It didn’t take him long to only need one belly breath to stay present. He also started using this technique to stop himself from interrupting Rhonda.
The next time you feel yourself wanting to react with your partner, try relationship breathing. You may choose to let your partner know in advance you’ll be doing this or let him/her know as you’re doing it. Once your partner sees the benefit of relationship breathing, he/she may even want to do it along with you.